I am choosing to be transparent. I’m choosing to be honest with myself. I’m trying my hand at bluntness. If you will, stand by me as I try to be real with you about some things.
How easy is it to say the words?
How simple would it be just to say how I felt, how I feel?
I remember the first time I said, heartbroken and crying, how much I “liked” him, but I never said just how deep it went.
Honestly, I had thought it several times before that awful day started.
Something in me never wanted to admit how I had felt for months.
Maybe I knew somehow that it wasn’t right, and I didn’t want to fall in love with the wrong guy as my first.
That very same thing kept me from admitting it to anyone, especially myself, until well over a year later. Others seemed to know before I ever did.
The thought of saying the words out loud literally tore at my heart. It would mean it was real. It would mean I had to come at it head on. It would mean that I was a liar.
I admitted it out loud a few times in recent months, finally, but it hasn’t been as conclusive as I need it to be yet. I don’t know that it will be even now. I’m not sure it ever will be. But nonetheless, I need to face it.
So here I’ll say it again; I loved him. I really did. It hurt to love him that much. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much more than I expected any heartbreak could. It tore me up, to be lead on, and then dropped cold by a boy who has now, thankfully, become a man.
The love I had for him back then has shifted and become a different kind of love for him now.
I’m glad he’s changed. We both have, and I thank God for that. I’m glad he’s happy and working things out in his life and in his relationships.
I hope he finds the woman, the love, that I could have never been for him. I hope he finds where his heart sings. I wish him the best in life. The boy that broke my heart that day has become a good man who deserves the best love out there.
The girl that loved that boy has changed in drastic ways, too. She has grown so much in that time. She has become more of the woman she never even expected that she would want to be.
While I am afraid of falling in love again for a time, I know I have come such a long way since that dreary spring day when everything shattered around me and the skies cried with me. Even going back to the day in the previous fall, when I realized I was falling for him, I’ve changed so much since then.
Thinking back on it now, it all seemed to start and end in the same place. That little burger place that was so loved by all. It was where I first admitted to myself and my best friend that I was falling for that boy. It was where I went after being dropped cold and it was where I burst into tears as I attempted to smile at my friends upon approaching them.
Even now, that broken girl has become brave enough to try new things.
(Rather poetic, is it not?) The location where it all happened, its walls acting as a separation from the past’s pain and sadness, providing a division between now and the past, and pointing to now and the future.
(Poetic, metaphorical, ‘nonsensical’ schpeal over.)
Who knows what will come of this?
Maybe I’ll have the right words next time around. Maybe I’ll be brave enough to let my mouth form the words my heart has to say. Maybe it won’t be all that I fear. Maybe it will be.
But I already know, it will be different. It will be, because I’ve already made changes.
It will be, because I’m different.