There are a few spots in this that really made me think..
1} Cravings that I don’t want to admit, but know that I must.
“There was something inside of me that craved attention far more than real love…”
While I do want real love one day, lately this statement has rung true, much to my distaste. I have been playing games. I haven’t been taking this thing as seriously as I should. I have been expecting too much of situations that I have no control over. I have been wanting to control every aspect of it. I haven’t wanted things to just flow, because that’s unpredictable and I’m afraid. Afraid of what exactly? Being hurt again. Failing. Losing. Crying like that again. (I can’t even put that experience into words, but some of you know what I mean.) It’s not something I’m eager to put myself through again… ever again, if I have any say.
But I don’t, do I? I can’t control these things, as much as I’d like to. It’s impossible for me to handle that much. My weak little heart couldn’t take it.
Maybe God is showing me something.
Maybe He wants to change my heart this year.
2} Hard places…
“I remember that summer specifically because I was trying to forge a road between what I wanted for myself and what I thought God wanted for my life. The two always seemed to look different back then.”
This is exactly where I am right now. Stuck. I have constantly been finding myself torn between so many different options, and there is a war inside me every single day. I’m confused, anxious, and doubtful.
See, I have this terrible habit of doubting myself, and questioning everything and almost every situation that may potentially go against my plan, or even go along with that wimpy plan that I’ve worked out so carefully in my heart. Makes a lot of sense, right? But you know the war I’m talking about, don’t you?
The rapid-fire of questions and doubts and shutdowns is overwhelming to say the least.
“…Should I run with this? Should I wait? Should I move on completely? Is it up to me at all? is it entirely up to me to decide how to go about this? Does God want something totally different? Does He want this? What if I mess it up? What if I miss something? What if I should have done this instead?…What if…?”
What if, indeed.
It’s a mess! But, oh, friend… it gets worse.. I then begin to wonder what worth I have to God, to other people, what would anyone see in this, in me? Why would that work out with me as opposed to so and so? What would make me so worth that? Who would, ever, find me at all interesting?.. etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. It’s bad, right? I tend to be really hard on myself for everything. That’s just the rut that I’m in, day in and day out. I know that I have to break my own destructive patterns, but it’s really hard to, isn’t it?
3} A belief I have a hard time living by every day..
“So I had to believe God had good for my life…”
And to add to that… Patience…
Okay, so I KNOW that God has good for my life. I do, I know that. However, whether or not I believe it wholeheartedly all the time is another thing. As I said before, I have a bad tendency to doubt a lot. Not that I doubt God and his love and capabilities… But I’m very impatient about these things.. and I tend to doubt myself even more because of it.
So there is this vicious loop in which I always find myself trapped and confused, and I never know how to get out of it. As much as I hate to admit this, too… I often trust the the lies, instead of the truth about what God has in store for me. I tend to believe the lies quicker and more easily, because I’m so used to believing them already. It’s much simpler and less painful to just keep on believing the lies because it’s what I know. It serves as a cushion in some ways, because I don’t want to be exposing myself to a chance of being hurt again and again. So I try to control it. I doubt. I lie to myself. I let others lie to me. I hear the truth and accept the lies…because it’s “easier.” (Brilliant strategy, isn’t it?)
God doesn’t want me to live like this.
He wants us to find happiness in our lives.
He does want us to experience Godly, human love…because it’s one of His many gifts to us.
However…it’s hard, when you’re in this place, to see that future.
It’s hard to believe those truths.
It’s hard to accept them.
Maybe this is all a sign that I’m maturing more in some way, and that God’s point is finally coming through to my scattered mind…
Maybe God is simply opening my eyes to something he’s been trying to reveal for months.
Maybe He wants me to stop trying so hard…
…Could that be…?