memories of mountains, lakes, and fields…

I have been thinking about some of my childhood experiences lately that left a huge impact on me….

I remember spending most of my summer weekends on drives around the peninsula in my town with family and friends. We would spend hours talking, singing along with CD’s and the radio, eating ice cream, onion rings, or curly fries. We would have the occasional foot long hotdog, all from the same diner at the entrance of the peninsula. We saw the wildlife in the national park, we went fishing, we went swimming, hiking, and biking all over the park…. I would always love biking around the monument at the tip of the peninsula. I met a few of my best friends there. I got to know my brother-in-law much better on the playground there one summer.

I remember traveling to visit family in other towns, and spending a lot of time on mountains, hiking, camping, and exploring with my siblings and friends. We played airsoft in the forest at my friends’ family camp site several times. We would visit the lookouts and feel completely carefree. We would spend time talking and sharing meals around campfires. Those nights hold some of my fondest memories.

Reflecting on these experiences makes me miss those summers. The carefree summer weekends when we hung out outside all day, went to bed late, and got up the next day to do the same exact thing. The campfires that we all shared. The games we played, the hikes we took, and the trips we took. I had some of my happiest conversations with my best friend on the porch swing, in the back of their truck, riding through the mountain trails, and walking through the forest, loving every second of it. I had some of my best nights with my family around those campfires, camping for festival weekends, and traveling around the state to visit family and friends.

I miss those nights. Those places. The people who shared in them. The carefree life we lived.

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I thought I was free. I thought that I had no fears. I thought I was strong. I thought I had defeated them.

I know now that I buried them like a coward long ago, but refused to listen for the bell that echoed through the years.

I did the deed and I ignored the screams.

Now, I hear a faint sound coming from the place I tried to forget.

My own doubts and fears are holding me back from robbing the grave.

My own pain is blocking me from letting my captive go free.

I want someone else to intervene so I don’t have to be uncomfortable and see them again.

…See what I caused.

…See what I hid.

…See what I killed.

I don’t want to deal with that guilt. With that hurt.

I don’t want to face them again.

This has overtaken me.

This has destroyed me. 

This has become this mess that you see standing before you. 

I deceived myself. I deceived everyone around me.

They all say I’m strong.

But I know I’m weak and terrified.

Paralyzed.

They all say that I’m capable. That I can win this.

But I know I’m not qualified.

They all believe in me.

But I’m not sure that’s wise.

They all trust me.

But I don’t understand why,

because I can’t even trust myself anymore.

I’m told I’m worth it.

I don’t see that.

I see all of the damage within.

I see all of the struggling.

I see all of the terror.

I trick myself into thinking I’m confident.

I may be, in some things. But not in myself.

I show others my ideal me. But I hate this kind of existence.

Deceit.

Who wants that?

I know what you’re going to say. God is the answer. Ask for God to help. Let it go. Give it all to him.

From my point of view, I say this:

I am struck with fear and dread.

I don’t know what will come of letting it go.

I don’t know where I will end up.

I don’t know how I will end up.

I am afraid.

Petrified.

and I am comfortable there.

and I hate it.

Abhor it.

 

 

 

 

Happy Places..

I’ve recently come to a point in my emotional standpoint, my mental capacity, and my temper that I have to step aside and let my introversion take over for a little while. There has been so much going on. I’ve been around so many people. I need to take some time this weekend to try to get away from everything, which is very hard to do on a small campus with people who love social interaction with each other every day. So all weekend I have been stepping back inside myself and taking time to be alone or with a tiny group when I can.

So even in a relatively large group, I am stepping back and into my own world. Lately I have begun to daydream once again like I used to when I was younger and much more introverted. My “Happy place” scenes are slowly returning, and I am imagining myself there a lot more lately. It is keeping me sane, actually.

It is very interesting that these things are happening as we have been going over interpersonal communications in my communications theory class lately.

That is all for now, because I have homework to do, and quiet, observant, and reflective to be. 🙂

Farewell!