This is my first blog, and my first post, so forgive me, I’m very rough with this idea, but hopefully I can help someone through my rants and reflections. So here goes. 🙂
I have been thinking a lot recently…
About my attitude about myself, lies I have believed about myself, as well as lies that I am currently fighting.
I’ve realized a few things this new year:
I used to think I was relatively fat, acne-ridden, far too plain to be considered much of anything pretty. I used to think I was too sensitive and weak and that I scared people off when I expressed my feelings, or that I worried people too much. I used to, and still do feel like sometimes I annoy people by wanting to talk to them or wanting to spend time with them. At times, I also believed that people thought I was selfish and rude a lot of the time. I had little to no self-confidence. I always thought I was a pretty happy teenaged girl, considering the underlying lies that I believed. I used to think that I was inadequate compared to other people and I used to believe that I was extremely insignificant to other people.
See, I was raised as a Christian, and I knew all about God’s unconditional, beautiful love, and how He sees our worth. However, I guess I never took it to heart in every situation.
That all changed during my first semester in college. I met a group of people I now could not imagine life without, who helped me become aware of who I actually am. By trusting God and these people with my true feelings and talking for hours into the night with some, I came to believe in myself more and more, because I slowly realized that they all believe in me already and God always has been supporting me, regardless, rather, in spite of all of the lies and pain that I had let affect me over the years. Being at a Christian college, small campus, I should have expected to find great people, but I never expected to find people this incredible. The courses have broadened my horizons and re-defined a lot of what I thought I knew about the world, and myself especially. I realized how much God has been working in my life through these people, topics discussed in classes, and other experiences. He truly does work in mysterious ways, and he has quite the sense of humor.
The worship services I attended with some friends changed things too. I re-connected with God like I have needed to for the longest time. I have been between churches (or not attending at all) for several years now because of several falling-outs and difficulty with regular attendance due to our family’s schedules. So I ended up basically giving up going like I used to, which I don’t recommend. If you find a church that’s great for you or where you can do your best service, don’t miss out on much if you can help it. It’s not REQUIRED to attend a church, but the right church and the right attitude definitely help a person grow spiritually, and I have been lacking that growth… in fact, I believe that my faith was at a standstill, or shrinking at times.
My realizations mostly occurred during this break between semesters (Christmas and New Years.) It was strange. I had been struggling with these things, and others, most of the semester, then the last few weeks got much easier to handle. I said many tearful goodbyes on the last day before break started because I wouldn’t see the people I’d seen every day for four months, until about a month from then. (About a week and a half from now.) Even though I didn’t want to be separated from my second family, I knew I needed time to unwind and recollect myself before the next string of classes begun. Having time away from campus and the constant running from one thing to the next, I was able to sit down and reflect on the semester and how I’ve grown.
I’ve realized that I’ve become much more confident in myself as a singer, artist, student, friend, and Christian. I’ve become very comfortable with who I am becoming, and I have become much happier with myself. I can actually say that I have confidence in myself. I have been unable to think this way for a long time because of how I fell for the lies that popped into my head. My mind was filled with lies, but my heart knew the truth. It just took a long time for me to dust it off and proudly display it.
The truth is that you are a child of the King, and that you are worth far more than you think. You are irreplaceable and loved tremendously. So pick yourself up and think a little higher of yourself, because you’re a pretty awesome person, even if you don’t see it right now. I hope you soon will. 🙂