Surrender…

I recently realized that there are many things about myself that I need to change. I realized that I’m very hard on myself. I realized that I virtually destroy myself. I realized that I’m nowhere near where I should be. With anything. I look for stability in outer situations and other people, because I can’t find it within me. I realized that I have been lying to myself for most of my life. I deceived myself… more than I deceived anyone else. I tricked myself into becoming “numb” to things and destroyed myself in the process.

I am currently attempting to turn things around. I’m not sure where to begin, but I know it’s time to. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be more than I am. I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be my own demise. I try to take on the world. I try to seem strong, However, I am honestly weaker than I ever knew. I spent much of my life shoving things aside to avoid them, to hide them from others, to “ignore” the issues. All of a sudden these things are coming up and I am being forced to face them all at once for the first time in my life.

This is going to be one of the hardest changes for me to make. It will be one of the longest, roughest processes for me to work through. I need to trust God. I need to let go. I need to surrender.

I struggle because I have felt the need to be my own fortress for most of my life. I have to fight hard on my own because I don’t want to rely on anyone else to do it for me. I have to deal with things that I never knew had such an intense impact on my heart. I don’t want to seem weak. I don’t want to seem pathetic. But I know I am. God is the only true source of strength in my life, but why do I have such a difficult time giving all the controls to Him? I am afraid. I am a weak and terrified child searching for something I can understand.

I am weak.

I don’t understand.

I’m afraid.

I need saved from myself.

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Understanding…

…For those of you looking to understand your world….

Comprehension. Mastery. Patient. Knowledge. Insight. Skill. Proficiency.

It’s a tough thing to get. It honestly is one of those things that, when you get close, you can’t tell. It constantly appears much farther away than you realized before, and the more you search for it, the more elusive it seems to become.

I have recently been struggling tremendously with trying to understand things that I’m feeling and things that I am thinking. It is an on-going struggle that seems to get nowhere. I’ve been struggling with this intensely for a couple months, and I have made absolutely no progress. I love it when I can see the light in others’ eyes when they suddenly understand something, and I’m excited for when someone will see it in my eyes about the things I’m attempting to figure out.

I like to be able to make sense of my world using the perfect words, feelings, and ideas. For some reason, the things I am struggling with do not seem to have the right words associated, or the right feelings to describe it, so I am at a loss. A complete loss.

I know God understands it all perfectly, and I’ve been told that maybe I’m not supposed to understand yet, but I still struggle. You’re right, maybe I’m not. Maybe the time will never come for me to understand, or maybe it will soon, what do I do in the mean time? This is what baffles me. I am unsure about the present. I know to trust God. I know to focus on other things.

I talked to a few friends about this, and they all said to “Let it flow.” You know who you are. πŸ˜›

But, because I like to categorize things most of the time so that I can make sense of my world, I am confused. I think I am confusing myself, and trying too hard to understand intangible things that circle my mind often. How can you make sense of escaping thoughts? How can I pin down that invisible little imp of an idea? How am I supposed to understand my feelings if I don’t even know what to call them?

Maybe you are struggling with the same things. Maybe you feel just as lost as I do. Maybe you can’t capture the thoughts in your head and are desperately trying to sort things out. Maybe understanding your world is impossible.

I want to get it. I want to understand. I want to be able to grasp what I can’t seem to chase down. It’s hiding away from me, maybe there’s a reason I’m not understanding yet… maybe that barrier will break. Maybe it won’t.

There is no possible way for me to completely understand these things…. to know all of the answers, as much as I would LOVE to. That is not my territory. My territory is trusting God. Tonight, I am hoping for a release.

More and more…

I should seriously be writing a paper and reading about 5 chapters of three different text books. However, I have had a very eventful several days this week, and my thoughts are once again bouncing around uncontrollably. Currently, many of my friends are playing an intense game of uno behind me in the middle of the campus center. It is entertaining.

But, that is not what I have bouncing around in my head..

My classes…. oh my gosh… my classes… They’re crazy… But a good kind of crazy… I think.

I’m definitely being challenged already. Here’s a great example! My Communications Theory paper! I am supposed to be writing about my idea for a career choice, and how it fits in the various areas of communications studies. I actually have not thought much about the ins and outs of it before now… so this paper is a little more challenging than I was expecting. I have to analyze it more than I have before.

My Fine Arts Seminar class was really interesting today.. first day of the class, and the first speaker has already cracked into my brain to some level. I like the way his mind works…. It’s like mine, but more scientific. I’m eager to do some more research about him this weekend when I have a chance. He mentioned in his speech about how we’d spend years working on our “art credentials,” but we’ll spend years after that trying to unlearn it all. Makes perfect sense to me!! We’ll spend so much time and money on these classes, to become more knowledgeable about art techniques, history, theories, etc… that will make us much more experienced in various styles and media… however, after college, I know we will change everything we just worked so hard on over those years, and make it completely unique to us over the next several years. Because all of these rules and requirements, and teaching us to do things specific ways… It’s not how an artist actually works. For obvious reasons. He made a point to say that the professors here, at my college, tend to care more about us realizing our own aspirations and ambitions. It’s true. I’ve received criticisms last semester that I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of, but he saw the potential in me as an artist, and simply wanted me to boost that ambition and be bolder in my work, which I will definitely work on over time.. because I know it’s the best.

Another way I’m being challenged is the content of my Psychology and Theology classes. The psych class is challenging my views on families in society today, and even things about my own family, which makes this class rather personal now. The theology class is challenging my views on Christianity, and people in general… immensely. It’s fascinating.

Yet another challenge I have been face with this week is my friends. A few in particular. I have seen many changes… and have made many changes.. It’s crazy. It is like we picked up where we left off… however, it is also like we have grown even closer… and have become even more deeply connected with one another.

…I have changed… I really have..

I am much more… what’s the word… aggressive… in a good way.. I have become much more confident, which permits me to be more forward with things, and more honest with people, because I am less concerned about what judgements they would make of me. I am also more determined.

I have been thinking a lot about some specific friendships lately. For quite a while, I didn’t have such close friendships, and I didn’t know for the longest time how other people thought of our friendship… So I’ve recently been asking people, and it’s really interesting to get their responses.

I believe that is all for now.. I have homework to do… and it’s getting somewhat late.. so farewell!

The new beginning…

I have moved back on campus, and I feel great! I had my first day of classes for the semester today, and it is amazing. πŸ™‚

So far, I like my schedule. I like my classes, and I like the professors. I have three consecutive classes that promise to be incredible, and challenging. A psychology class, a theology class, and a communications class.

The psychology class actually caused me to tear up, today, and got me thinking about how poverty affects us, and how faith restores us. The video that the professor showed during class was a documentary about poverty in Appalachia. The stories struck several things within me. It was a very sobering experience. However, the stories about the children’s faith were amazing to me. Even though these children, not even 10 yet, had a much stronger faith and a better outlook on their lives than I would have expected in their situations.

The theology class has the potential to change everything I understand about God, and my faith. It’s going to be quite a challenge, and quite an experience. As weird as it seems, I’m extremely excited to be challenged by the content of the course. The professor is also pretty hilarious, which makes my connection to the class much stronger. (I love when humor is utilized as a learning tool.)

The communications class also promises to be a challenge. I am excited to learn in depth, about communication.. the transactions, the impacts, and how to handle certain situations. It seems as though God is really working through the timing of these courses, with all that has been happening in my life in recent months. It will be great to see where things go.

The reunion with my friends was amazing! We spent hours together yesterday, as people came, and our group grew to it’s full size once again. We had a prayer circle in the middle of the campus center, and it was like a closure to break, and a finalization of our group’s reunion. I felt refreshed and complete when we were done praying, and when we all went to our dorm rooms last night, I still had that feeling with me. It feels like we never really separated over break. We kind of just picked up where we had left off. It was incredible. πŸ™‚

So this is more of an update… I will be much deeper in a later post, when I have more time to think about it for a while. πŸ™‚

but I’ll leave you with something that my professor for the theology class said, for you to mull over…

Something that stuck out in my mind as amazing is this: When he was introducing himself, he described himself as being R.B.J…. Ruined By Jesus. He explained that everything good that he has now, was all because of Jesus completely shaking up his life and changing EVERYTHING.I love that. R.B.J….Jesus certainly has a way of messing things up to make them wonderful in the end. πŸ˜€

My thoughts have purchased a trampoline…

YAY! I return to college tomorrow afternoon! I’m excited to start the next semester and to reunite with the great friends I’ve made. πŸ™‚

I’ve made a few changes over this break. Changes for me, and I’m excited to share. πŸ™‚

I have a lot to do today to get ready, and I have to re-organize the dorm tomorrow when I get in.

I’m not sure how much blogging I will actually get the chance to do when the semester picks up, but I will try to post at least once a week as I can. I intend to post regularly. It also depends on my motivation. πŸ˜›

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Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings… is it actually possible to understand the feelings we have for people? I hope it is, because I’m extremely confused about some of mine.

I want to say everything I’ve held back. I want to explain everything. But I know I shouldn’t. This is all just extremely strange for me. I’ve never experienced what I’m currently experiencing. Everything about it confuses me. It’s not bad, I just have no idea what’s going on.

…You may have guessed already that I’m talking matters of the heart…

You see, I’ve been rejected, I’ve rejected some, I’ve had big crushes, and little interests… however, the thing I’m currently experiencing is different in many ways. I will not go into detail about that, though. Maybe in the future I’ll say more about it. Maybe… πŸ™‚

So, I’ve been trying to learn how to analyze my feelings and keep them all in check, so far I think I’m doing okay, but there are times that I find myself going insane.

The best thing that I can do is pray, though. Pray for understanding, guidance, confidence.

If you’re struggling with something like this, please… please don’t try to make sense of it all by yourself. That could end badly. Ask God for help and direction, because He understands these things better than anyone else ever could. Heck, He designed it!

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I’ve recently struggled with many doubts, concerning the people I’ve liked in the past. Doubts such as “I’m not pretty enough”, “I’m not interesting enough”, “There’s no chance that someone like him would be interested in me”, “I’m an idiot for having these feelings for this guy”, etc. It’s very hard on me. I’m extremely hard on myself. I’ve even thought along the lines of “No one would ever love this mess. I’m not worth that.”

See what I do to myself? It’s terrible. It’s painful, and I often find these patterns and destroy myself over and over. I seem to be a glutton for pain and self-hatred. However, I have recently begun to stop doubting myself. I changed my view of myself, and I’m making new patterns. Now, instead of shooting myself down and not allowing myself to dream, I often find myself dreaming, but I don’t let it get to my head. Sometimes I have to be firm with myself and tell myself not to get too hopeful or too worried about anything, but I have greatly decreased my self-hatred and the harsh thoughts that I used to rely on. Lately, I’ve been thinking much more optimistically about myself, and my chances. Not that I’m expecting anything to happen this time around, but I’m entitled to be more confident in who I am, instead of comparing myself to Society’s standards or the lies that Satan throws at me.

I also had a tendency for wanting to change who I was, change my interests, or change my personality, to try to please the guy…and that’s ridiculous. The guy you’re intended to love will NEVER want you to change to be like him. He will respect you for YOU. He will love you for everything about YOU.. not who you could act like. You deserve to be yourself. The right guy will love that, and love every little thing about you, even the things you hate. Just be patient. You have plenty of time to meet that guy. Focus on other things in the meantime. Don’t close yourself off from anyone new, but be aware, and be careful. If you begin to doubt or believe that you have to change to be more pleasing to someone, it’s likely not a good situation, so take a step back and pray about it. A LOT. Things will clear up. If you ask God to take the feelings away if they aren’t right, or won’t help you, then He will clear them away. I’ve had this experience a couple times in the past several months. Yeah, it’s painful to let it all go, but God knows best, and I grew a lot from these experiences. I grew closer to God and have begun to be more aware of my thoughts and my patterns, and when is the time to back up and pray hard about it.

Girls have this stupid tendency to compare ourselves to everyone else… to everyone else’s life, relationship, status, whatever it is.. We always compare. It’s degrading. It’s painful..

Don’t allow yourself to do it. I know, easier said than done, but it’s worth it. If you begin to compare yourself to every other girl you see that seems to have it better, think twice. They are more than likely comparing themselves to someone else, or possibly even you. It’s this full circle that gets really crazy when you think far enough into it. Don’t do it! Please! It’s destructive. When you begin to compare, look at the mirror. Don’t look long enough to go through all of the negatives, then turn away. Look past that. Look long and hard. See your beauty. See your worth. See what YOU are, not what you think you should be, because of the people around you. We were designed to be individuals, so if we start trying to copy everyone else because they seem to have it together, we’re just a world full of clones, and that’s pretty dang creepy when you envision it. Sheesh. Anyway, when doing that, we aren’t allowing ourselves to be unique. We’re trying to be someone we’re not supposed to be. We’re trying to fit into society’s mold, or our own twisted idea of what’s best. We’re not trying to be what God wants us to be. We’re not trying to be the difference… we’re trying to be the same as everyone else.

It’s a very, very long process, but you have to get to a point in life where you know you need to learn how to love yourself… for YOU. Push aside every norm that society idolizes, push aside every comparison, every doubt, every lie. Once you have all of that cleared out of your mind, when you look in the mirror, someone different, completely unique and gorgeous is staring back at you. Smile at them, they will smile back… such a beautiful smile that no one else has. This is the image of you. This is the beauty of you. This is what God sees in you. This is what you want everyone else to see.

You remember those girls that seem to have it all together when you don’t? Some of them may have already seen that image, which is why they walk in confidence. The others, haven’t gone as far as you just have, so they are still comparing and doubting. So when you get there, and see that image, you have already made a ton of progress. The rest of the process is this confidence shining through, and maintaining your confidence in yourself. It’s hard to try not to fall back into those old patterns, but once you’ve gotten far enough, you know that you can get there again, and go further.

So go and be different.

Be unique.

BE YOU.

Because “different” is incredible.

Because “unique” is amazing.

Because YOU are beautiful. πŸ™‚

Warning: I actually hope it’s vague this time! :)

Warning: This one will be pretty vague if I can help it. πŸ™‚

A couple things are on my mind today… most of them are directed to some anonymous friends. (Some of you may know if I’m talking to you. :P)

First off, my goal, as a friend, is to be able to be there to listen to you when you need to talk things out or vent, talk with you about your passions, support you when you can’t hold yourself up, and hopefully make you laugh when you feel like you can’t. I want to be the best friend that you are to me. I want to do everything I can for you, because you literally do everything for me.. daily. You may not realize this, but it’s the truth.

And I can honestly say that I love the heck out of you for being so amazing. I hope I can be as great of a friend as you always are. Even when you’re going through a terrible time, you somehow find a way to help me through my bad times. When you’re having a great day, and I’m having a terrible day, you come to my level and help lift me up and make my day better, just by talking to me. You have absolutely NO idea how much it means to me to have a friend like you after all of these years of not having it. For so long, I had no idea what I was missing.

I want to tell you so many things that have been on my mind recently, but I know that now is definitely not the time. Hopefully I can figure out when that is, and reveal it all in time, if necessary. I feel comfortable enough with you that I wish I could just blurt it all out, but I know I’d come off as a chatterbox, push you too much, or confuse the heck out of you, so I usually decide to hold back… a LOT.

Another thing about me.. I don’t know what’s going on, but if you feel like you want to tell me something, but are afraid that you’d be burdening me with anything or stressing me out, or annoying me somehow… I have to tell you something…. STOP THAT! I can handle it. I’ve gone through a LOT in my life.. if you have something to say, but are afraid that I can’t handle it, forget it and just blurt it out. Seriously. I’m confident that I can handle whatever it is. If you need reassurance, ask me what I’ve been through. I’ll be honest, and you will know what I can take. I obviously don’t come off as tough, but I can be when the situation calls for it. I’m actually much stronger than you may suspect. Come on, try me. I dare you. πŸ˜‰

So I’ve told some of you some things that I’ve never discussed with ANYONE. I want you to know why I told you those things. It’s simply because I trust you. Completely. Maybe I’m wrong in trusting people so easily, but, heck, if we don’t trust people, how the crap do we expect to grow? It takes a leap of faith to grow as much as I have recently, and I have you guys to thank for hearing me out during those long, dark, tearful nights. You listened to me cry hysterically, you listened to me complain and vent, and you listened to me reason through things. You helped me figure things out finally. Dark things…extremely painful things…awkward things… random things… you heard them all, and you never judged me or anyone involved. That’s why I knew I could trust you guys early on. Those first few weeks proved that I could trust you people with anything. And I suspect.. I hope.. that it proved that you could all trust me with anything as well. Because I don’t want these friendships to be one-sided. I want them to go both ways and be unbreakable friendships that I know will last for the rest of our lives.

I always hoped that I would find “my circle of friends” at the next stage in my life. I had friends in Church, but I hoped for that “circle” that I knew I couldn’t find there. In sunday school, I hoped it’d be in youth group. In junior high, I hoped it’d be in high school. In youth group, I was hoping it’d be “next year”. In high school, I thought I had found the best circle… by the end of senior year, I was hoping I’d find that long-time “circle” in College, because some of my closest friendships had begun to fall apart. And here, I believe I’ve finally found them. So far, we are extremely close and talk to each other almost every day, which means a lot to me, that people are actually willing to talk to me, whether I start it or they do. Some of my other friends tend to talk to me when they have problems, or feel bad about not talking to me for a long time. I tend to have to start the conversations with people. With this circle, it’s like our conversations never actually end, we just pick up and start talking again. πŸ™‚ Which I love. πŸ˜€

You know what else I love?

Feeling respected. Feeling cared about. Feeling like I matter. You do that for me. You walk with me. You actually talk with me. And you genuinely care. That means more to me than any gift or nice thing you could say. Being with me, respecting me for who I am, caring about me. It’s incredible. It’s pretty rare to find people like that in life. I don’t feel stupid when I talk to you, nor do I feel like a jerk. It’s great to be on the same level with things. So thank you. You mean a lot to me. More than I can effectively verbalize here or in person at this time. So save that for a later date. πŸ™‚

I have a few more things, but that’s where it starts to get too specific for my comfort, so I will leave those little tidbits out. ^.^ Enjoy the honesty I have put out there for ya. πŸ™‚

Until next time!

God’s Chisel – Mirrors

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Last night, I watched this video again, because it’s my favorite skit by them, and because it often speaks to me like most things can’t. We all need to start seeing ourselves differently, because we are made GOOD by God already. Good is already in us. We just need to believe that and utilize it. We need to see ourselves for what God sees in us. I was also reading a blog by a girl in a band that I like (http://www.customcatastrophes.com/blog/), and she had written about her current journey to learning to love herself more.

 
This all got me thinking about my own life. I have a bad habit of falling into the same exact patterns that I hate, which I have done yet again this week. I often return to disliking a lot of things about myself; not thinking I have much to offer, thinking I’m dumb, ugly, acne-ridden, short, annoying, not talented, not even that great of a Christian, sibling, daughter, or dog-owner. See, these automatic, deafening, defeating thoughts dig deep and they nit-pick all the time, which is why learning to fight them with positive truths is so difficult. I am prone to quickly believing the lies that pop into my head, no matter how defeating they are, so thinking differently about myself is very difficult. I always claim I’m just trying to be humble, but in reality, I’m comfortable being miserable. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, and neither should you. We all deserve to be happy in our skin, don’t we? So why do we constantly fall into these traps? I think happiness should be our new comfort-zone. Happiness in our skin, happiness in Christ. Yes, it’s hard, and no, it’s not instant.. it may even take the rest of my life to get to a point where I love myself more than I do now, but if I keep trying, I will get there… eventually. And you can, too.

So last night, all of this was running through my head… all of the negatives, how I need to change my go-to thoughts, and all that I had read in the blog and seen in the video. As I was getting ready for bed, I washed my face and hair, and the entire time I didn’t think to actually just take a minute and look at myself in the mirror. When I finally did, I noticed a brighter light in my eyes, my skin was clearer than I thought it was minutes before, I felt a lot healthier, and I noticed that I looked happy. I wondered how obvious it was that I had started thinking differently about myself, and if people would actually see something different about me. I’m convinced that they will.

Yes, I will still struggle, there will be times I think I’m hideous or a moron, but if I turn around and look at myself, and I mean REALLY look at myself in the mirror, I know I will see something more than the lies. I will see someone that God created. I will see someone that God wants me to see….

His beloved child.

Moments..

Today, I saw this picture and I thought about College. I thought “I’m a week away from returning to campus for my second semester.”

Then, I remembered all of the moments that I fell in love with over the last semester.

I remember sitting in lounges with my closest friends, talking, playing games, watching movies or TV.

I remember trips we took to churches or stores and the conversations we all had on the rides.

I remember sitting in the Campus Center and talking to some of my closest friends for hours on end about anything and everything without running out of things to say. [Those are my favorite moments. I have grown SO much through those experiences]

I remember all the times I’ve laughed do hard that tears streamed down my cheeks, or laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe properly.

I remember taking walks with people and talking about our problems, past experiences, or ideas.

All of those memories make me excited for this coming semester. I am excited to see these people again and create many, many more memories like these, or better.

The people I am with are key. They helped to make my first semester as a college student better than I ever could have imagined. I consider myself incredibly blessed to have become friends with them all. When I am with them, I feel completely at home and free. I feel entirely comfortable with them. If you were to see us talking, you’d think we’ve known each other for YEARS. All of our friendships had that instant connection and we clicked immediately. πŸ™‚

Reader, treasure those friends in your life. They help to make your life incredible.. don’t take that for granted. πŸ™‚

[For any of them reading this: I love you more than you know, and I can’t wait to see you next week. :)]

all the time

I fell in love with all of those moments we shared. Talking for hours, laughing uncontrollably, and sitting or walking together, in silence. They all strengthened our friendship and greatly improved my life. πŸ™‚

Dreams

Maybe dreams are ways of visualizing subconscious hopes… or fears… or maybe some are ways of foreseeing some event in the future…

I often wonder what my dreams are all about and why I had certain dream after a new experience. I tend to dream about people I care for deeply, whether it’s family or very close friends. Sometimes it’s revisiting a day’s event, or somehow hoping for an event to happen. Sometimes it’s a terrible fear of someone being harmed, or harming me. Sometimes it’s a fear of something new happening that I have never thought about before.

I often sit and daydream about things as well. People, places, and events. At times, I doubt that any of these good dreams would come true, because of past experiences. However, I am never opposed to dreaming, because it keeps my hopes alive and thriving, and it helps my creativity flow. I do however, warn against letting yourself get too hopeful, just in case you are hurt in the process. Dream, but be careful how deeply you hope for it.

On the other hand, don’t let the bad dreams worry you too much. It could be a subconscious fear, but it could also be that salsa you had the night before. πŸ˜›

So enjoy your good dreams, don’t overthink the bad dreams, and never be opposed to dreaming, because it keeps you alive in a lot of ways. πŸ™‚

So go and dream a new world, reader.

Dream a new experience.

Simply, dream.

My heart knew the truth.

This is my first blog, and my first post, so forgive me, I’m very rough with this idea, but hopefully I can help someone through my rants and reflections. So here goes. πŸ™‚

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I have been thinking a lot recently…

About my attitude about myself, lies I have believed about myself, as well as lies that I am currently fighting.

I’ve realized a few things this new year:

I used to think I was relatively fat, acne-ridden, far too plain to be considered much of anything pretty. I used to think I was too sensitive and weak and that I scared people off when I expressed my feelings, or that I worried people too much. I used to, and still do feel like sometimes I annoy people by wanting to talk to them or wanting to spend time with them. At times, I also believed that people thought I was selfish and rude a lot of the time. I had little to no self-confidence. I always thought I was a pretty happy teenaged girl, considering the underlying lies that I believed. I used to think that I was inadequate compared to other people and I used to believe that I was extremely insignificant to other people.

See, I was raised as a Christian, and I knew all about God’s unconditional, beautiful love, and how He sees our worth. However, I guess I never took it to heart in every situation.

That all changed during my first semester in college. I met a group of people I now could not imagine life without, who helped me become aware of who I actually am. By trusting God and these people with my true feelings and talking for hours into the night with some, I came to believe in myself more and more, because I slowly realized that they all believe in me already and God always has been supporting me, regardless, rather, in spite of all of the lies and pain that I had let affect me over the years. Being at a Christian college, small campus, I should have expected to find great people, but I never expected to find people this incredible. The courses have broadened my horizons and re-defined a lot of what I thought I knew about the world, and myself especially. I realized how much God has been working in my life through these people, topics discussed in classes, and other experiences. He truly does work in mysterious ways, and he has quite the sense of humor.

The worship services I attended with some friends changed things too. I re-connected with God like I have needed to for the longest time. I have been between churches (or not attending at all) for several years now because of several falling-outs and difficulty with regular attendance due to our family’s schedules. So I ended up basically giving up going like I used to, which I don’t recommend. If you find a church that’s great for you or where you can do your best service, don’t miss out on much if you can help it. It’s not REQUIRED to attend a church, but the right church and the right attitude definitely help a person grow spiritually, and I have been lacking that growth… in fact, I believe that my faith was at a standstill, or shrinking at times.

My realizations mostly occurred during this break between semesters (Christmas and New Years.) It was strange. I had been struggling with these things, and others, most of the semester, then the last few weeks got much easier to handle. I said many tearful goodbyes on the last day before break started because I wouldn’t see the people I’d seen every day for four months, until about a month from then. (About a week and a half from now.) Even though I didn’t want to be separated from my second family, I knew I needed time to unwind and recollect myself before the next string of classes begun. Having time away from campus and the constant running from one thing to the next, I was able to sit down and reflect on the semester and how I’ve grown.

I’ve realized that I’ve become much more confident in myself as a singer, artist, student, friend, and Christian. I’ve become very comfortable with who I am becoming, and I have become much happier with myself. I can actually say that I have confidence in myself. I have been unable to think this way for a long time because of how I fell for the lies that popped into my head. My mind was filled with lies, but my heart knew the truth. It just took a long time for me to dust it off and proudly display it.

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The truth is that you are a child of the King, and that you are worth far more than you think. You are irreplaceable and loved tremendously. So pick yourself up and think a little higher of yourself, because you’re a pretty awesome person, even if you don’t see it right now. I hope you soon will. πŸ™‚