YAY! I return to college tomorrow afternoon! I’m excited to start the next semester and to reunite with the great friends I’ve made. 🙂
I’ve made a few changes over this break. Changes for me, and I’m excited to share. 🙂
I have a lot to do today to get ready, and I have to re-organize the dorm tomorrow when I get in.
I’m not sure how much blogging I will actually get the chance to do when the semester picks up, but I will try to post at least once a week as I can. I intend to post regularly. It also depends on my motivation. 😛
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings… is it actually possible to understand the feelings we have for people? I hope it is, because I’m extremely confused about some of mine.
I want to say everything I’ve held back. I want to explain everything. But I know I shouldn’t. This is all just extremely strange for me. I’ve never experienced what I’m currently experiencing. Everything about it confuses me. It’s not bad, I just have no idea what’s going on.
…You may have guessed already that I’m talking matters of the heart…
You see, I’ve been rejected, I’ve rejected some, I’ve had big crushes, and little interests… however, the thing I’m currently experiencing is different in many ways. I will not go into detail about that, though. Maybe in the future I’ll say more about it. Maybe… 🙂
So, I’ve been trying to learn how to analyze my feelings and keep them all in check, so far I think I’m doing okay, but there are times that I find myself going insane.
The best thing that I can do is pray, though. Pray for understanding, guidance, confidence.
If you’re struggling with something like this, please… please don’t try to make sense of it all by yourself. That could end badly. Ask God for help and direction, because He understands these things better than anyone else ever could. Heck, He designed it!
I’ve recently struggled with many doubts, concerning the people I’ve liked in the past. Doubts such as “I’m not pretty enough”, “I’m not interesting enough”, “There’s no chance that someone like him would be interested in me”, “I’m an idiot for having these feelings for this guy”, etc. It’s very hard on me. I’m extremely hard on myself. I’ve even thought along the lines of “No one would ever love this mess. I’m not worth that.”
See what I do to myself? It’s terrible. It’s painful, and I often find these patterns and destroy myself over and over. I seem to be a glutton for pain and self-hatred. However, I have recently begun to stop doubting myself. I changed my view of myself, and I’m making new patterns. Now, instead of shooting myself down and not allowing myself to dream, I often find myself dreaming, but I don’t let it get to my head. Sometimes I have to be firm with myself and tell myself not to get too hopeful or too worried about anything, but I have greatly decreased my self-hatred and the harsh thoughts that I used to rely on. Lately, I’ve been thinking much more optimistically about myself, and my chances. Not that I’m expecting anything to happen this time around, but I’m entitled to be more confident in who I am, instead of comparing myself to Society’s standards or the lies that Satan throws at me.
I also had a tendency for wanting to change who I was, change my interests, or change my personality, to try to please the guy…and that’s ridiculous. The guy you’re intended to love will NEVER want you to change to be like him. He will respect you for YOU. He will love you for everything about YOU.. not who you could act like. You deserve to be yourself. The right guy will love that, and love every little thing about you, even the things you hate. Just be patient. You have plenty of time to meet that guy. Focus on other things in the meantime. Don’t close yourself off from anyone new, but be aware, and be careful. If you begin to doubt or believe that you have to change to be more pleasing to someone, it’s likely not a good situation, so take a step back and pray about it. A LOT. Things will clear up. If you ask God to take the feelings away if they aren’t right, or won’t help you, then He will clear them away. I’ve had this experience a couple times in the past several months. Yeah, it’s painful to let it all go, but God knows best, and I grew a lot from these experiences. I grew closer to God and have begun to be more aware of my thoughts and my patterns, and when is the time to back up and pray hard about it.
Girls have this stupid tendency to compare ourselves to everyone else… to everyone else’s life, relationship, status, whatever it is.. We always compare. It’s degrading. It’s painful..
Don’t allow yourself to do it. I know, easier said than done, but it’s worth it. If you begin to compare yourself to every other girl you see that seems to have it better, think twice. They are more than likely comparing themselves to someone else, or possibly even you. It’s this full circle that gets really crazy when you think far enough into it. Don’t do it! Please! It’s destructive. When you begin to compare, look at the mirror. Don’t look long enough to go through all of the negatives, then turn away. Look past that. Look long and hard. See your beauty. See your worth. See what YOU are, not what you think you should be, because of the people around you. We were designed to be individuals, so if we start trying to copy everyone else because they seem to have it together, we’re just a world full of clones, and that’s pretty dang creepy when you envision it. Sheesh. Anyway, when doing that, we aren’t allowing ourselves to be unique. We’re trying to be someone we’re not supposed to be. We’re trying to fit into society’s mold, or our own twisted idea of what’s best. We’re not trying to be what God wants us to be. We’re not trying to be the difference… we’re trying to be the same as everyone else.
It’s a very, very long process, but you have to get to a point in life where you know you need to learn how to love yourself… for YOU. Push aside every norm that society idolizes, push aside every comparison, every doubt, every lie. Once you have all of that cleared out of your mind, when you look in the mirror, someone different, completely unique and gorgeous is staring back at you. Smile at them, they will smile back… such a beautiful smile that no one else has. This is the image of you. This is the beauty of you. This is what God sees in you. This is what you want everyone else to see.
You remember those girls that seem to have it all together when you don’t? Some of them may have already seen that image, which is why they walk in confidence. The others, haven’t gone as far as you just have, so they are still comparing and doubting. So when you get there, and see that image, you have already made a ton of progress. The rest of the process is this confidence shining through, and maintaining your confidence in yourself. It’s hard to try not to fall back into those old patterns, but once you’ve gotten far enough, you know that you can get there again, and go further.
So go and be different.
Because “different” is incredible.
Because “unique” is amazing.
Because YOU are beautiful. 🙂